Why do we love being in misery so much?

Why do we love being in misery so much?❤️ Before my spiritual awakening, I used to think that my sole purpose of life is to be happy but I had not done anything to achieve that goal. We all say that we don’t want to be sad but subconsciously, many of us love being the object of pity and possessing a victim identity. I used to think that having friends, travelling to exotic locations and earning the educational degree of my choice would make me happy. I am sure many people would be able to relate to the wishful thinking that I had and that chase that never seemed to end. But in spite of reaching those destinations, getting those double taps on Instagram, having a “friend circle” and loved ones, I still felt unfulfilled and sad. Come to think of it, I have observed this in many people I have met. I wanted to understand this aspect further. So, I happened to do some journalling and turns out, I used to give excuses to stay unhappy because I thought my traumas made me who I am. Without that, I am not worthy of attention. As a positive person, I can say now that being one is like being a magnet. My pleasant energy and willingness to listen tend to attract many people towards me. But eventually, people find it boring because I can put a positive spin on anything and that’s not entertaining, that’s a buzzkill to many people. So, people naturally don’t want to be a buzzkill themselves. And, how did I transform from someone who needs pain to feel validated into someone who doesn’t need it? I simply realized that I had to change my intention. The sole purpose of my life is still to exist happily and peacefully, but this time, it is just for me. I want to be happy, for myself and not for the society. I can be a person, radiating positivity and still be interesting and this realisation changed my life for the better. I don’t consider my past valuable anymore, at least not to the extent that it becomes worthy of my attachment.
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What makes a good human?

❤️What makes a good human? Is that even a thing? And who are we to judge a person to be good or bad?..I have always wondered! Our society loves binary categories and only recently, things are changing. I have seen it in my own life. In my past, I have heard from others all sorts of binary labels for me..I can either wear a bindi(dot on my forehead) and chant mantras or I can wear a cute summer dress and drink cocktails..I can either be shy and quiet or be flamboyant and extroverted…I can either be popular or be a geek.. I can either be spontaneously creative or I can be a fraud.. People are so quick to put other people into boxes(even in their minds) and I have always wondered why. Come to think of it, I realized that I used to do the same thing too, just inside my head. Human beings are complicated, like, really complicated. We are constantly trying to figure out people, just the degree of effort we put in varies. I get it, it is what makes life interesting! Fun fact, I am a huge potterhead so I agree with Sirius when he implied that there are qualities in everyone they consider good and bad. Personally, I choose to see the brighter colours in others, the genuine smile, the strong warrior, the cute crying rabbit and the wise and patient turtle in others. What I mean by that is, being an empath is great if one chooses to use it and to use their intuitive abilities to see the beauty in others and appreciate them and to feel the pain in others and offer love and comfort to them. But in my opinion, you don’t have to be an empath for empathizing with others and choosing to see the beauty in people. ❤️

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A warm heart knows no pain..

” But I do nothing upon myself, and yet I am my own executioner. ” – John Donne

Some people say that pain is good and it makes you stronger. They say pain makes you rise to the challenge and build tolerance. It deepens your character, tests your willpower and pushes you so hard that you create wonderful things with your life. While all of this is probably true for the pain that finds its way towards us from the outside, it is not true for the pain that resides in our minds. We all SAY that we want the best for us. We defend ourselves in front of others. We claim to do things to protect us and push us towards our idea of success. However, we fail to realize the powerful role of the constant presence of a critic, watching every move you make, every step you take and every pound you put on or off. The critic has immense attention to detail and is sometimes, nasty, inhumane and vile. The critic cannot be won over with arguments, justifications and compromises. When you sleep, the critic doesn’t sleep. That critic lives within you, relentlessly working to create and sustain emotional pain until it becomes a background noise in your mind that you teach yourself to put up with.

Self-criticism heavily influences the way we look at ourselves and the world. I believe some of the common behavioral quirks that might affect people around us such as unwarranted anger, jealousy, codependency, egotism and low self esteem often originate from a place of harsh judgement towards ourselves. We all have conditioned ourselves over the years on how to treat ourselves, how to view our actions, how to scrutinize them and how to punish ourselves. The kind of fears we make ourselves experience and hold on to in the form of insecurities end up being what we project onto others.  People start to feel unappreciated, hurt and negative thereby forcing them to distance themselves from us. We often expect perfectionism from ourselves and while we claim to take it easy sometimes, whether we actually let go is a question. Over the years, we create a toxic environment within and around us. We slowly lose the ability to feel grateful, we fail to see the beauty in other people and for some of us, we might even constantly attract negative situations and people. It is a downward spiral that has the power to leave us in a state of depression, dissatisfaction and despair.

Why do we have to brew so much negativity within us? Often times we don’t realize that we all are supposed to be our own biggest supporters and caregivers. We all are supposed to be rooting for ourselves to be a wholesome person who shines from within while spreading love, joy and care towards all beings. Like charity, kindness starts at home. Healing from self-inflicted pain is aided by first removing the shame and guilt that we associate with caring for our well-being. It is not selfish to be self compassionate first so that we can be better humans and serve the rest of humanity to the fullest of our abilities. Although it might be surprising to hear, it is in human nature to love, care and provide support to those in need. To be a giver of kindness, you must first show kindness to yourself. Be your own advocate. Love your quirks, give yourself hi-fives and catch yourself when you stumble. Be patient with yourself  like you would be with a friend. When you give attention to yourself and acknowledge the external and internal struggles you have been through, you begin to heal. You begin to embrace the beauty and humanness of your thoughts and actions. You begin to notice and appreciate the efforts you have made in order to cope with the challenges of every stage of life. You begin to build inner strength in a healthy way and give yourself a hug when needed. Gradually, the emptiness in you disappears and you feel complete, all by yourself. The world would become beautiful and no matter what obstacles come your way, you will have faith that you can hold your head high without blaming others or situations and see the other end of it. You will also become a happier person and people would begin to find you welcoming, comforting and refreshing to be around.

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Hence, always prioritize showing compassion and understanding towards yourself so that you never let the sneaky little critic creep into your mind.

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Fail! Especially as a kid..

Failure terrifies us all! The existence of a discouraging voice inside each and every one of us is what makes failure so terrifying. “If you fail, the society will ridicule you. Your partner will think less of you. Your parents and “well-wishers” would feel insulted.” For some, the voice sounds like that of a Giant, taunting them in their sleep. For others, it  resembles the cry of a poor, whimpering little rabbit, pulling their spirits down whenever they try to fight back. The question I have always had in my mind is why is it that we are so intimidated by the thought of not being successful? How do we perceive failure?

Our attitude towards failure takes shape very early on in our lives. Let me give you a very simple example. Growing up, I never passed exams at school till I turned 12. I never had enough attendance to get through my grade school finals. I had received all sorts of punishments, ranging from running repeatedly around the football ground to getting hit on my knuckles with a wooden ruler. Oh, I wasn’t mischievous. I was just not smart. My teachers openly declared that I was fit for nothing. My parents couldn’t get why I was like that, nor could they afford to spend time for it. My relatives were having their best time, constantly passing sarcastic remarks. As much as I pretended not to be affected by everything going on around me, there was this voice inside of me that kept convincing me that I was a failure and that I was not capable of getting ahead in life. Later in life, I  did attempt to push myself forward, but every time I failed at it, that goddamn voice hideously crept in. I had lost the little motivation I had and my self-esteem had plummeted.

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I thought to myself about how different my life would have been without having to listen to that voice so early on in my life. Everyone has to face their battles in life. There is no way to escape. However, it would have been a lot easier without having to be threatened by the thought of turning into a “Loser”. Is there just one yardstick for success? I believe success is subjective and kids must not be penalised for not being the smartest kid in class or not being the best in sports. Children should be taught right from grade school,  especially in conservative communities of the world, that failure is a part of life and is nothing to be ashamed of. Failure should not be associated with something negative. Our survival depends on adaptation and no amount of failures is going to be enough to pave the path for being the best version of ourselves in life. In fact, let there be more “failures”. Bring it on! People must lend a helping hand to those young hearts which are struggling to deal with failure. Young souls need a source of positive reinforcement and not that of Self-blame.

We live in a world that respects perfectionists. In my opinion, perfectionism is overrated. Beg to differ! Be that person who is compassionate towards yourself and others around you by making room for imperfections. Nature is not perfect and not high-maintenance. Roll with it! If you learn to not let minor failures weigh you down as a kid, gradually, you will begin possessing a stronger mindset for enduring real problems in life. You will have the willpower and optimism to get back up.  You will develop greater confidence early on in your life to reflect on your mistakes and set things straight. You will begin to seek fulfilment through more meaningful experiences in life and discount the less significant downfalls of your life.

Keep failing.. Keep learning..Never stop growing!

Happy growing up 🙂

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Embrace the word “No”

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It was raining outside. I had my cup of warm instant coffee beside me. I cranked open my window, letting the moist yet gentle breeze of a spring afternoon hit my face. As I was in that moment soaked in bliss, I let my mind unwind to let this charged environment take control of me. While I was jogging my thoughts, I found myself interested in understanding my habit of saying no to things. By this point, I can proudly say that I am an expert in expressing disapproval. I began to wonder why, regardless of age, all of us find it difficult at least at some point to establish boundaries be it with superiors, friends, partners or colleagues. Nobody wants to be seen as the bad guy because we crave the validation from others. Some people do not care if they are taken for granted as long as at the end of the day they get to take a Selfie with that person. I begin to wonder, why do we have to do this to ourselves? We tend to forget that we have an option to say no!

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Being assertive in this era of social media is absolutely essential for one simple reason: SELF CARE. We deserve compassion and when we feel that we have so much to give another person, we definitely have plenty to give to the most important person in your life, YOU. All of us work so hard every day to achieve our goals and are constantly bombarded by criticism and other challenges. The least we could do is to take care of ourselves, especially our mental health. We owe it to ourselves to sometimes not be the superhuman that we aspire to be. We owe it to ourselves to not give a crap about pleasing someone or everyone. We owe it to ourselves to be genuine because genuineness is sexy and opposite of exhaustive! Say only what you mean, rinse and repeat. Make it your “go-to ” behaviour. That way, we take in only as much of stress we can handle and we don’t feel bad for avoiding excess stress.

Now, I know saying no to things requires us to be strong and ready to face conflict. Until quite recently, I used to suck at confrontation and I’d say, a lot of sucking at confrontation has made me this person today who can hold an argument without tearing up out of anger. So, I’d suggest, never stop trying! Having said that, do I mean that one has to be a negative person, who is stubborn and never accommodates to others schedule? Absolutely not! It is imperative to know your REASONS for saying no. Have a moral checklist for yourself. What do you want to be known for ? How much nonsense can you possibly put up with? Are you saying no because you don’t like the energy of certain people or a place? Are you saying no because that person said no to you in the past and you want to take revenge? Is your behaviour a good reflection of what you stand for and what you believe in? Did you think for a moment about your reasons or you are just in a cranky mood? Is your action going to negatively impact someone to a great extent? Think about it.

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It is very easy to judge someone these days. Hence, it is also very easy to be judged by others for everything we do and that is inevitable. If I learnt anything about saying no to things through my experiences, it would be to be aware of the fact that when I can say no to someone, others can also have their reasons to say no to me and that is okay. It is crucial to realise that everyone has his/her imperfections and sometimes it calls for maturity to be accommodative and respectful of others boundaries. Empathy can also help us find the right reasons to say no to things whilst preparing us for disappointment. It helps us toughen up easily and honestly, is so rewarding. So, no, you don’t get to be mean and ain’t nobody going to allow you to walk all over. This is a two-way street. Although I learnt these things very late and the hard way, I believe that the joy of growing up is never-ending and we need to embrace every little thing that makes it possible including the word, “No”.

Happy growing up! 🙂

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